It's that time again where the school summer term ends. Our young people
have probably worked hard to harness great exam results with a view to
attending a sixth form or university. Our younger adolescents, those who
are 11, are about to embark on secondary school. /Perhaps you were
scared at the time?/

These endings are challenging for parents/carers and our young people.
For parents, it could include feelings of being trapped, being good
enough, spending, spending and spending again on new clothes, new school
uniforms and shoes, holiday activities – anything to set you free so you
can continue to work, socialise, earn money and not lose precious /“me
time”/. For adolescents, it's a time of anxiety – /where next?/ /Will I
find my way around at university, make friends, keep up with the reading
list, the lectures and the going out? Followed by questions - will
university and secondary school mates like me? Will I fit in –
somewhere, anywhere?! What if I hate it – being away from home, my other
friends – how will I get noticed and cared for?/

From experience, parents/carers try super hard to make their own and
their children's lives perfect. It's pressurising; I suggest being and
existing, knowing that you're good enough. The roles we play are rooted
in childhood and parental expectations.

When expectations are high, usually from your own parents (aka your
children's grandparents), /how about looking at your child and imagining
the new born child you held in your arms?/ Consider the lengths,
self-care and delivery you took to get to that moment. Now, imagine
seeing your new born child, perfect and imperfect in every way possible,
in an emerging adult body.

As an adolescent, and probably your parent/carer too, hear the youngest
part of yourself. /What do you need?/ Usually children say /“I'm bored –
there's nothing to do”/. You suggest a good book, take the dogs for a
walk, make dinner, do more homework – prepare for your next exam. What
they're really asking is /“Please, spend time with me – notice I exist,
after all you made me!”./ Hear the anger in that phrase – mostly though,
notice the loss of you and therefore their pain.

In the countryside earlier, I noticed a wasp exploring a pile of dog
poo. So here's the metaphor: /What was it that attracted wasp to poo?
How is it not getting its needs met? Am I looking to explore the crap?
Am I part of the crap? Am I the problem?/

We often inherit, based on our childhood and adolescent-hood, others'
perceptions of who we /should/ be and /could/ be - and so we play the
game of wanting to measure up and be the perfectionist. This is acted
out - rolling of the eyes is typical and so another adult has become the
hard workaholic, the perfectionist, the door mat, the magician; and
sadly, the person who is better isolated due to shame, anger, sadness,
guilt, a people pleaser, which includes being sexually abused, an
outcast, the person being bullied because of their difference and never
quite being good enough. Oh the roles a person can play to be accepted...

Our children are our ultimate investment in ourselves, our children, our
communities and the world. Perhaps you would like to invest in yourself,
your future happiness, a sense of intimacy and connectedness. Parents
and adolescents – you don't have to do this on your own. A counsellor
can help you to live a happier and more connected existence.

Wishing you all a good enough and mostly happy summer holiday.

Published on 19th July, 2018